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Thread: Not bonding :(

  1. #1
    Furry Exterior Peach's Avatar
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    Feb 2009
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    Not bonding :(

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    I've been holding off writing this for a while I've touched upon it in my diary but it's really starting to upset me now. I'm not bonding with this baby. Although I'm so pleased he's a healthy little boy I finding myself forgetting I'm pregnant daily. I bonded straight away with my girls so I feel so guilty that I don't love this baby yet but I'm not sure if it's because of what happened to Molly or not.
    I keep thinking once I start buying clothes or once I start feeling kicks I might start to feel closer to him but I don't think I will. I just have an awful feeling this baby isn't going to be born alive.

  2. #2
    didnt want to read and run. lots of hugs cming your way hun. xx
    mum to 4 beautiful kids.
    M age 11
    U age 9
    U age 6
    A age 3

  3. #3
    Registered User Suzie and her girls's Avatar
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    Do you think it's self-preservation? If you get less attached then it won't hurt as much if something happens (which it won't) but you get what I mean?

    I would say that given what you've been through it is completely understandable. Don't be hard on yourself xxxxx
    Mama to Faith (8), Ellie (7), Seren (3) and Felicity (2)

  4. #4
    Registered User suzie1011's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    great yarmouth
    it could be self preservation like Suzie said which would make complete sense and also certainly not something to feel ashamed or guilty about. it could be down to other stresses too? if im totally honest, because ive been under a lot of stress lately i dont feel bonded with this baby either, whereas with evie i did almost instantly. ive had the oppertunity to buy baby stuff and put it off. i think stress can effect you like that, and in your case it could be the stress of worrying about the rest of the pregnancy and birth due to what happened with Molly. for whatever reason it is, do not feel guilty or ashamed. the bond WILL come in time xxx

  5. #5
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    you need to contact the mental health midwife, sometimes just telling someone these things can make you feel better, i'm in contact with mine for same reason its horrid to admit and i've had some horrid thoughts but i'm working through it with the MH middy and going for CBT.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzie and her girls View Post
    Do you think it's self-preservation? If you get less attached then it won't hurt as much if something happens (which it won't) but you get what I mean?

    I would say that given what you've been through it is completely understandable. Don't be hard on yourself xxxxx
    This. I take this approach to things sometimes you could be doing it sub consciously


  7. #7
    Registered User angel_delight's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Next the the Jelly and Custard sachets!
    You've been through so much. I'm sure when he is in your arms you'll bond instantly
    DD1 ~ 14
    DD2 ~ 7
    DD3 ~ 6

    Will not give up on our missing jigsaw piece to our family ~ TTC with one tube

    1st Ectopic Pregnancy ~ 07/11/2013
    2nd Ectopic Pregnancy ~ 20/03/2017

    Angel babies - 04/04/2007 ~ 16/02/2008 ~ 13/12/2011

  8. #8
    Furry Exterior Peach's Avatar
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    Thanks ladies, I have to go to the Drs in 2 weeks anyway for a sick note so I think I'll mention it to him then, he's offered me counselling many times but I think it's maybe time to take it up as I don't feel I'm being fair to this baby

  9. #9
    I did the self preservation thing with my pregnancy with DS2.
    I didn't mention it on FB, didn't talk about it unless asked and always changed the subject. I tried very hard not to get attached. I bonded with him instantly after birth though. It was a bittersweet birth as I cried for the one I didn't give birth to and cried for feeling happy about DS2 when I felt guilty about angel baby.
    I think you have been through so much it is only natural you don't want to get too attached.
    DS1 - 6
    DS2 - 3&1/2
    DD1 - 18 months
    DD2 - 1 month

    Take your FOLIC ACID - preferably before conception. Your babies brain develops before 12dpo
    MMC@ 12+3 July 09 - Chem Preg Jan 10

  10. #10
    I think any bonding you feel during pregnancy is completely different to the bonding you feel after the birth and I don't necessarily think there is any connection.

    It might help to talk through your feelings though. I have heard that some areas have a specialist bereavement midwife for pregnancies after loss, might be worth asking if there is one in your area, as I bet they would be really helpful to talk to.

  11. #11
    firstly big hugs....

    I can understand where you are coming from completely. I am terrified that this pregnancy wont last and am concerned that I wont bond in the same way I have done previously. I am carrying on as normal and determined to be a 'normal' pregnant woman but at the moment I cant even imagine another baby in the house. I think it is a self -preservation emotion and it is one that you dont need to fight or feel guilty about. You have been through so much and it is understandable that you want to protect yourself.

    I am not a counselling type of person, in fact I only went once, but I did find that it helped and my consultant is a wonderful man who is happy to listen to fears over everything. It took me a while to open up to him, but now I have I find it easier to talk about my worries and have him put my mind at rest. I am sure he will have his work cut out over the coming months though.

    Talk to someone, they cant change how you feel immediately but what they can do is reassure you about the medical aspects of your care. How the baby is doing and so on. That in itself over time should help you bond and dont feel alone. There are many of us out there who have the same fears and worries happy to talk at any time you need to xxx

    Thomas, our brave little man who became an angel on 5/11/2009 aged 7wks 4 days
    Charlie, born at 22 weeks, always with us
    Diagnosed with IC and fitted with a Transabdominal Cerclage in June 2011

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    The Cotswolds

    DH & I didn't talk about this baby at all until I was 24wks - when we got to 25wks it was still hard.

    Even now there's nothing in our home that suggests we are having another baby.

    It's a defense mechanism - you will bond, the same as I will eventually. DH & I just aren't getting our hopes up until baby is here so I know how you feel as you have had a substantially more traumatic experience which will automatically result in you to be cautious - but you will be fine, your beautiful angel darling will make sure that you aren't heartbroken again xxx

  13. #13
    it sounds like a defence thing, I think you are protecting yourself from more pain and this is a natural thing to do xx
    Gemma 22 Sean 12 Leo 10 Isabella 6 Tayler 4

  14. #14
    TBH I'd be surprised if you WERE all bonded and in love, given what happened to Molly, hon. It strikes me as totally natural and not at all surprising that you've not bonded with Boris. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. As you've said before - you won't fully relax until he is safe in your arms so I would try not to expect too much of yourself before then!!

  15. #15
    Registered User louby's Avatar
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    Oct 2011
    I was the same with this baby, i miscarried before this one and had convinced myself there was either something wrong with this one or i was going to lose her. It wasnt untill my 4D scan that it felt real although i cant deny i still have days where i have to remind myself it IS real.
    Try not to worry it will come.

    Very proud mum to 8 children, well 2 children and 6 adults

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